Divorce Law Guide Articles
for gingerbread Advice in Divorce, separation and marriage problems.
Divorce Law on gingerbread
can be complicated. By reading other peoples experiences on divorce law
gingerbread issues, some sort of personal perspective can often be be regained
helping you to focus on the major elements of your divorce law gingerbread
problem that you may be experiencing.
We used to joke amongst the couples we are close to, "who would get custody
of the friends in a divorce". We are a very close group of friends that met
in college around 20 years ago, and have remained close through many of
life’s changes and transitions. Never did we think that our joke would
have to eventually be addressed.
The day that my best friend told me that her marriage was in trouble was
devastating. Here was a couple that we shared our lives with. Her husband
and mine had been roommates the same year that she and I lived together in
college. We stood up in each others weddings. We were godparents for one
of their boys, they godparents to our son. He helped us build our house.
We spent weekends together, holidays, birthdays.
Suddenly all that was going to come to an end and I had to think quickly
about how I would find balance between two people that I cared about. Through
some trial and error, here are some of the things I learned about being a
friend to divorcing friends.
A. Listen. It is sometimes very, very difficult, but key. You are not going
to solve your friend’s problems, only they can. Allowing your friends
to talk about their feelings, or talk through the situation, helps them to
start the process of healing. Remember too that as a listener, sometimes
the less said the better. Silence can be one of the strongest coach/counseling
tools you have in your arsenal. More healing can be done in the silent times
than in the talking. Let there be silence when there isn’t anything
to say. It is really ok.
B. Focus on the person that you are talking to, not the spouse. My friend
couldn’t change her husband’s behavior, but she could change how
she was responding to him, or how she internalized the things that he said.
These were things she could control and growth she could make. Beating him
up behind his back will only go so far in making her feel good.
C. Don’t play favorites. This was the hardest thing for me and continues
to be. My best friend was hurt terribly and I instinctively wanted to protect
her and validate her. Though I wouldn’t often bad mouth him to her,
I would do it to my husband, which made things within our relationship stressful.
Even though this divorce was the result of some bad decision making on the
part of my friends husband, he was still someone she had devoted her life
to for ten years, the father of their children and my husband’s friend.
I needed to always keep that in mind. If you have to rant and rave negativeness,
it is best to find a third party or write in your journal.
D. Make sure that you do things with your friend that takes his/her mind
off their miseries. If you always get together and just talk about the divorce,
soon you will get burned out and your friendship will start to struggle.
You need to continue to groom the things that made your friendship strong
before the marital problems started. Not to mention that your friend is probably
eating, sleeping, living the divorce 24/7 and some time off from that will
give them a renewed attitude and help them to see that there will continue
to be life after their divorce.
E. Find ways to continue traditions and make new ones. My friend and I started
to get together for our kids to make gingerbread houses at Christmas time
before her divorce began. We still do this and have expanded the day to included
going out to cut our Christmas tress and exchange gifts. Even though we know
that traditions help to normalize things for kids, they can do the same things
for adults and again be a reminder that your friends and family are important.
Divorce is a stressful and difficult time for both the couple and their friends.
It is not unusual to hear that friends felt inclined to choose one person
or the other because the divorce made things uncomfortable. With a little
hard work and commitment, friendships can continue to grow, flourish, develop,
and be successful.
Kim Dziobak is a personal coach dedicated to working with individuals and
families.
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